Cana's Ultimate Drink Bible
by lady lutka
Summary: Cana decides that it's about damn time she documented her discoveries. /ridiculousness!fic/


**Yo. I guess I gotta start this with _drink responsibly. Seek help if you begin to notice signs of alcoholism._**

 **Anyway, hey skers. How've you all been? Yes, I will be updating my 2092926 other things soon. No, I will never stop writing at 3 am.**

 **Enjoy the world of Cana and drinks.**

* * *

So, being the absolute fucking genious I am, I decided to make possibly the only thing in Earthland we don't already have:

Your one and only drank bible, pieced together by yours truly Cana Alberona.

Now, I ain't a soft pansy drinker like all the other girls out there. In this bible, you will find only _the best fucking drinks I have ever come across_. (And, because Makarov is a sucker for 'get rich quick' schemes, there will be an entire section of drinks dedicated to Fairy Tail wizards #sorrynotsorry).

If you are a wild thang, you will know that every good night starts off with a good shot or twelve. Well, that's where we're gonna start! Buckle down honey, 'cause you're in for one wild ride ;)

 ** _. . . . ._**

 **#1 Jägerbomb**

Yeah, I already know what you're gonna say: _that shit ain't a fucking shot!_ Well, I got one thing for you—it's a fucking shot now, bitch. Honestly, you tryna tell me all you pathetic assholes drink Jägers as a _cocktail?!_ What?!

That aside, here's what you're gonna need—

 _1 good ol' shot of Jägermeister._ For those of you who don't know what this is, **gtfo.** Nah, I'm just kidding. So, Jäger is made of a fucktonne of herbs, fruits and spices. Originally it was a cough syrup in Germany, but then some hunters were like 'aye man, this shit is goooooooooood' and then it exploded on to the partay scene. Jäger gets you fucked up all nice, so if you're looking to forget about that bitch that fucked you over, here's your ticket.

 _1/2 a can of Red Bull._ Traditionally, a Jägerbomb is served with beer but this was back before they even had energy drinks. Use whatever the fuck you want!

So once you've gathered your ingredients and taken a shot of a lil' somethin' extra, you're going to drop that shot glass of Jäger into a pub glass of your energy drink (or beer, whatever you want). Some weird chemical shit happens which I can't explain because I'm a fucking drunken card mage, not a rocket scientist. The next step is to down that baby as quick as you can.

On to technicalities now: make fucking sure your shot glass isn't too big for the pub glass, otherwise the energy drink won't go down and you'd have fucked up the easiest possible shot I know. Congratu-fucking-lations, dimwit.

 ** _. . . . ._**

 **#2 The Blowjob**

So you're just Lacriflix and chilling with the bae, when he gives you _that_ look; the 'suck my dick' one. I'm sure you've all been on the receiving end at least once.

Two things: firstly, they are a fucking bastard. You're not some easy slut, they can't go making demands like that. Secondly, **_make them fucking work for it_** **.** I can guarantee that this little shot is the absolute sure-fire way to show them just what those pretty little lips can do.

Here's what you're gonna need—

 _1/2 an ounce of Bailey's Irish cream liqueur._ There is really no substitute for this stuff, so go the extra mile and pick up a bottle if you haven't already—which you _should._ I mean, what sorta drinker _doesn't_ own a bottle of Bailey's?

 _1/2 an ounce of Amaretto almond liqueur._ Don't be a tight-ass with the Amaretto. This shit is what gives a BJ that sex appeal.

 _Whipped cream._ AS MUCH AS YOU FUCKING LIKE!

Now that you've got your ingredients, you're gonna grab a nice little shot glass and Christen that bitch with your two liqueurs. Don't bother about mixing it; just squirt a pretty little mountain of cream on top and voilà.

Alright, there is a method to drinking a BJ. Tie your hair up, put your hands behind your back, wrap your pretty lips around the glass, tip your head back and _chug_. Sometimes a droplet will cascade from your lips and down your neck into your shirt. Fuck me appeal = 1000. So if you're looking to get one fine ass into bed with you, pull out this recipe and pour bitch, _pour!_

 _ **. . . . .**_

 **#3 Redheaded Slut**

I will admit, this shot ain't exactly the craziest motherfucker I've ever downed. But, it looks pretty feisty and is super easy to mix and makes a great starter. Not even a beginner can fuck this up.

You're gonna need—

 _1 once of Jägermeister._ You will _need_ this. Don't pull that 'I only have vodka, Cana' shit. Get some fucking Jäger.

 _1 ounce of Peach schnapps._ Not a lot of alcohol in this, but that's okay. The Jäger makes up for the guts the schnapps lacks.

 _2 ounces of cranberry juice._

You will need an ice-filled cocktail mixer for this one. All you gotta do is pour all your ingredients in and shake like there's no tomorrow. Once everything all nice and mixed, strain it into a shot glass and throw it down.

Completely easy, yeah? This one's dedicated to my main girl Erza Scarlet, since she's a redhead and a complete fucking lightweight, which is exactly the type of person that will drink a Redheaded Slut.

 _ **. . . . .**_

 **#4 Purple Kamikaze x**

This shit _looks_ toxic, but it ain't.

You're gonna need—

 _2 ounces of vodka._ Who doesn't love a little vodka?

 _1/2 an ounce of black raspberry liqueur._ This is what makes this shit look like toxic waste from another planet.

 _1/2 an ounce of lime juice._

Like the Redheaded Slut, you'll need a cocktail mixer. Fill that bitch with ice, add your vodka, liqueur and lime and give it a couple shakes. No need to go crazy with the shaking here. Strain into a shot glass and enjoy, motherfuckers.

 _ **. . . . .**_

 **#5 Flaming Dragon**

Where all my fire wizards at?! Obviously, this one was put here just for Natsu's sick satisfaction. As you can probably tell from the name, this involves fire **_so fucking be careful and I am not liable for any injuries that may result in the making of this shot._**

You're gonna need—

 _1 ounce of Green Chartreuse._ This shit is made with over 130 herbs and is the sickest shade of green ever. It smells amazing to boot which makes it a favourite of Freed's since he's a pansy drinker.

 _1 ounce of Bacardi 151 rum._ The guts of this shot—don't be a tightass.

The only hard thing about this shot is getting it down. Pour the two ingredients in to a shot glass and **_carefully light it on fire._** What comes next can be hard if you're an impatient motherfucker like me; leave the shot alone for half a minute. This makes everything all warm and bubbly and a little easier to go down.

As for downing the shot, there's two options: the first is to blow the flame out and live another day. Or, you can be a hardcore bitch, pray, and swallow it one go, flame and all. Do whatever you're most comfortable with doing (unless you're Natsu who sets **_every fucking thing on fire and eats it_** ).

 ** _. . . . ._**

And that's a wrap on the world of shots! As you can see, there are dozens of types of shots; fun shots, sexy shots, flaming shots, toxic shots, get-fucked shots, light shots. The key is to customise your bar for the occasion and make sure you're always stocked with the basic mixers.

Mixers you should always have lying around are:  
 **Bailey's Irish Cream  
Vodka  
Bacardi Rum  
Blue Curacao  
Grenadine  
Amaretto  
Jägermeister  
Green Chartreuse**

With those liqueurs, you should never be stuck on what shot to make, ever. If you want, you can even get a little crazy like the wild thang you are. A quick example would be the classic Bailey's and vodka mix. Pour a 1/2 ounce of Bailey's into 1 ounce of vodka, and watch the magic happen. The cream curdles and then you have your very own brain shot. Add a dash of grenadine and curacao and you've cooked up the craziest shot for the weirdest motherfucker you know.

Next time, we explore the world of cocktails and Lucy's tits!


End file.
